Existential Quandary Ramblings

Are we suppose to believe that life is all there is to existing? To exist is to extrapolate upon life, in the same, individual existence involves looking at the universe outside as well as the confined enclosure which encompasses ones life.Existing involves two unequal parts, living ones life and pondering why one has life. Living ones life is that which we do day-to-day. It is the life which we try to improve upon. The life that others judge and ourselves most harshly. The life which involves capitalism, communism, fascism, racism, homophobia, homosexuality, sexuality…The life that involves building towards ones retirement and what is retirement? Is it anything but the acceptance of life’s end, is it not the final waiting period before death?

Life is but a novel, poem, film, musical or anecdote. It builds toward the final chapter/scene, and what of that final chapter? It’s just the part where you wait for the end? And what of the end? Well no one knows. Probably no one alive will ever know! But to ask this question, to ponder ones existence and ultimate death is to me, existing.

I think therefore I am, but why do I think. Perhaps I am therefore I think, but why am I, the eternal existential conundrum. I am because my mummy and daddy’s zygotes made me. But what made them? Their mummy and daddy’s zygotes and they came from their mummy and daddy’s zygotes and this all came from the evolution of life from the freak electricity assisted, chemical reaction between certain inanimate molecules. Well so we are led to believe.

Was there existence before life? If a tree falls in the forest and nothing is there to hear it or record it, does it really make a sound? Was there not rocks, sound, water, heat, gravity or colours before life? If life wasn’t there to see it, feel it, touch, smell or hear it did it not exist?

Before life so amazingly spontaneously generated from a chemical reaction of inanimate molecules there had to be existence. For if the inanimate molecules didn’t exist there would be no existence of the chemical reaction that created life, and thus no life.

So the argument follows, where did these inanimate molecules come from? Have they always existed? Perhaps there is no need for everything to have a beginning. Perhaps some things transcend time, transcend everything else in the universe in which absolutely everything has a beginning and an ultimate end, even the universe itself, or perhaps not.

Perhaps there was a time before molecules existed, before the universe was born. Perhaps there was a time when there was nothing that existed, nothing but the existence of nothing. Is nothingness, empty space something that exists or is it lacking in existence?

My thinking though is that in order for something to come into existence something must already exist in order to create it. So is my logic. My life exists because my parents created it by having sex. Humans exist because of the evolution of life. Life exists because inanimate molecules supposedly combined to create it. Inanimate molecules exist because?

This conundrum has plagued me all me life.

Maybe God exists and He created everything, but what created God?

The only explanation I have ever been able to arrive at is that time is circular. I believe the only explanation I will ever be able to arrive at is that time is circular with no beginning and no end.

Perhaps atoms came from the moment the universe began and that this is the moment that immediately follows the moment the universe ends.

Current theories suggest that the universe began with a “big bang” and everything emanated from the one point.

Theories also suggest that the universe will one day fold back in upon itself. Gravity will one day bring everything back into one point.

This would explain de-ja-vu, psychic powers, premonitions, intuition and such, because this has all happened before and will happen again and again.

So I have discovered the mysteries of the universe. Hardly! Actually far from it. Just because I find something that even resembles a fit to the puzzle, does not mean I found the solution. The puzzle of existence is very unfair. I see life as a fleeting opportunity to ponder ones existence and try to solve the jig-saw puzzle it presents itself as. You can search and search in an effort to complete the puzzle, with no idea of what the jig-saw puzzle looks like. Nor are you given any clue as to what the pieces of the puzzle look like either, or where they fit or even where to find them.

To me it’s like fighting an unwinable battle. I know I will never come close to solving the puzzle in my short lifetime. Will life someday solve the puzzle? That I do not know. All I know is that I must try. I must ask questions of existence, for if I don’t then I only live, and the way I see it to live is to not exist.

But the question must be asked would that be so bad? If I could live without contemplating existence, live wholly in the enclosure of my own life I could be content! Stuff existing!

But something compels me to look at the “bigger picture”, to look beyond the boundaries of my own life. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I ask unanswerable questions because I must, not because I want to. I exist I don’t just live.